When can I have a Brother or Sister, Mommy?
Trigger warning: Parenting after loss.
So, I’m getting this question a LOT at the moment. And it’s not just this question alone, it’s full blown tears and the occasional “I can’t play LEGO with the dog!”, which is a fair point really, and a trauma I’d rather not put Harry Potter in LEGO form through. She informs me that she’s the only kid in her class without siblings and that she feels lonely, which not only pulls on the heartstrings but also says loud and clear to that Mom guilt always laying in wait “wakey wakey, it’s time to run a rampage.”
They’ve started Sex Ed in school recently so I’m aware this is mainly stemming from conversations about reproduction and babies. Not to mention the kids own little tete-a-tete’s in the school yard. I can just imagine it “Why don’t you have any Brothers or Sisters, Ava?”. My heart breaks for her!
She’s knows about the miscarriages (well, as much as a 7 year old can understand that) and we tell her all the time how special and loved she is, that families come in different shapes and sizes and that ours is small but perfectly (or imperfectly, as no one’s perfect) formed but it never feels enough. I don’t know how to say to a 7 year old how hard it’s been, how I wish every day that I could just magic up a successful pregnancy and how I don’t know how we’ll cope with another loss if we just keep trying (“just keep trying!”, that old nugget of flawed wisdom, but that’s a topic for another post).
We got the dog so that she had company, but I’m not sure a 1 year old fur ball that insists on trying to hump her every time she enters a room is what she had in mind.
This morning I posted this very question on the Tommy’s Parenting After Loss support group on Facebook. Just like me, the other Mom’s who have replied don’t have all the answers either, but it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one out there experiencing the same challenge. Knowing that it’s not just me and that I can reach out to that group any time of the day or night is enough to help me cope next time she askes “When can I have a Brother or Sister, Mommy?”.
Maybe it’s a good thing for her to see that her parents don’t have all the answers, but she knows that we’ll be there to listen and give her a big hug when she needs it. Well, until the dog ruins the moment with a sly leg hump!
Tommy’s Parenting After Loss group were able to give me a couple of sound pieces of advice and links to support (please note: I don’t have personal experience of the following books or groups but wanted to share them with you. Remember, not every recommendation is suitable for everyone):
One and Done: Not by Choice - Embracing it - a private Facebook group.
Seek out play groups specifically for children without siblings.
Acknowledging her feelings and allowing her space to grieve, especially if she’s aware of the losses. Children pick up on feelings very strongly so she’s likely going through her own grieving process.
Schools may have groups for children who are experiencing loss and grief. In Scotland it’s called Seasons for Growth and covers all sorts of losses.
“We were gonna have a baby but have an angel instead” by Pat Schwiebert is a book about pregnancy loss for children. This author seems to have a couple of books on the subject. “Invisible String” by Patrice Karst is a book about how we are connected even when we are not next to each other.
Naya’s Wish is a charity providing advice and support for children following pregnancy loss or still birth.